Yesterday made me reflect on so many things that has happened in my life, and it's overwhelmed me quite a bit. I've never realized how much can really happen in seven years till writing down everything that has happened. These were things that have been bottling up inside me for long. If I don't write them down I'll keep having anxious and scared feeling. I need to write this down so that they can get out of my head, and stop haunting me. Reflecting on and past and worrying about my future is something that has been bothering me for a couple of weeks now. I just need this time to vent.
In November when I was in 5th grade I moved out of the city to move into a suburb. I was living in house in Chicago. Most of my childhood was in that house. It was out of the blue to find out that my parents told us that we were moving to a suburb called Park Ridge. It felt so abrupt and sudden. It felt like a culture shock for me. I was now living in a one floor apartment, where we had to be conscious of our neighbors below us. The school I went to before moving had a uniform, and I remember my dad telling my siblings and I that at this new school we won't be wearing school uniforms there. It sounded bizarre to me. I was excited to finally wear clothes that I waned. (Until I realized that I had no idea what styles were in at the time). It was funny to think that at the first week at this new school most of the girls were excited about some Justin Bieber concert, and I just remember asking "Who's Justin Bieber?" They never answered my question.... I'm glad they didn't... I don't like to say that I didn't have friends at this school, because there were people I loved being with. But everyone kinda had their own friendships set, and I really didn't "accepted" to one's "friend", and the friends I did have were having their own friend drama, and I was just in the middle of it. This was also the start of me just not doing schoolwork and homework. I'll admit a lot of it was laziness.
Sixth grade is when I made my first best friend. We met on the first day of school before school started. We knew we wanted to be friends, and it excited us both that not only were we in the same homeroom together, but we were able to sit next to each other. Sixth grade for me was a balance between making friends, and building relationships with them, and taking martial arts classes. So because of my I'm-too-lazy-to-do-homework streak, I've gotten many detentions on that and only that. They make people come in an hour before school to serve detention, and while other kids were going in for most likely doing delinquent things I was simply going in for not turning in my homework. There was this one time they made me serve detention on my birthday, (I really didn't care. I was more upset that the fact that my mom was upset at me, because she didn't speak to me that whole morning I think), and my science teacher said happy birthday to me after detention was over, and I was putting stuff in my locker. It wasn't like she said it in a mocking matter, or like she was happy that it was my birthday. She said, "Oh yeah, happy birthday." Like it was casual, but yet like she didn't care. For some reason I felt embarrassed that it was my birthday, because the girl next to me was surprised that it was my birthday. Maybe I just didn't want anyone but my friends and family know. I remember my best friend and I talking on the way to lunch or something how we were excited that we going to go to the same high school, and how once we're married and have our own kids we'll be the aunts to each other's kids.
Seventh grade I had the same teachers that my older sister had when she was in seventh and eighth grade, meaning I was stuck with them for two years. For the first two weeks of school I was called by my sister's name. Seventh grade was the first time I realized that not everyone learns at the same pace as me, and it made me feel dumb in a way. A lot of my friends were in these advanced classes. I wanted to be in them too, but there was no way I was being placed in them with the grades I had. I was okay with not being the smartest, and that was a bad thing, because it affected how I would go into eighth grade, but more on that later. I made a new friend that year too. She was nice, a little self-centered, but nice. I remember one day my mom sat me down to ask me what were my plans for the future, and I told her that I wanted to open up my own bakery shop one day, and make that my living. I don't know how or why we had the conversation,but I'm glad we did, because she kinda gave me a reality check. She helped me realize that I wanted to be a nurse, but more specifically a surgical nurse. I remember out of nowhere my parents tell us that we are going to move to a house, still in the same school district, but we're renting it. It was a short and mostly painless move for us. Technically the house was closer to a different middle school in the school district, but they let me and my brother finish middle school at our middle school, and my younger sister had to attended the other middle school. We had this dachshund named Nicole (nicknamed Peepers), and she died not too long after we moved in. I noticed that she was walking oddly, and everyone kinda disregarded at first, but it didn't take us long to realize that there was something wrong with her. We just slowly saw her body shut down, and it hurt us to see her like this, but there was nothing we could have done. About a few days later we decide that it was time. We adopted two male cats, they're cute, but they also act like they're kings of the world. There were a lot of deaths that happened in our family around that time. There was my grandpa,one of my aunts, and I one of my dad's relatives.The day after the last day of school my mom finally let me cut my hair pixie short for the first time, and I didn't regret for a second.
Eighth grade I just didn't care about school that much. I didn't have motivation to do school work. To me, I just wanted to finish the year and go onto high school. Every eighth grader went to Six Flags, had a promotion dance, and had a promotion ceremony. In order to participate in all of these you had to keep your grades at a certain to at least a D. I had a D and an F in two classes, and the rest were C's and B's. They didn't let me participate in any of it. I wish they could have told my family and I before paying for Six Flags. Because that would bring less humiliation when seeing my brother in school, when he knows that I should be out having fun with my friends. They made me help around the school for the day. Basically I helped teachers clean up their classrooms. I remember going to my room afterward and my dad coming in and asking me if I should have deserved to go, and I felt calm at the moment for some reason. I said no, because I realized that I brought this upon myself. That whole summer I was just beating myself up for not caring, and not being smart enough.
I went into my freshman year discouraged. I felt like whatever intermediate class I was in, I deserved it. I remember after homecoming I felt lonely. Any plans my friends may or may not have planned they didn't include me, and it hurt me. I remember I made this one "friend" who I met in my biology class. I really don't know why we became friends. She was just mean. One day I was wearing this tight-ish long-sleeved shirt to school, and I was walking down the hallway, and I saw two of my friends. The "friend" yelled "Ew, suck in your beer belly!", and I immediately did out of shock and embarrassment. I look at my other friend, hoping she would say something. I think she mumbled that I wasn't that big, but then the "friend" said no, and that I was fat. I never wore that shirt again, unless it was underneath a looser short-sleeved shirt. Every Friday after school I was excited to go to anime club. I made a lot of good friends there. Basically all we did was watch anime as long as we could, and have snacks or a pizza party every now and then. Because I did well my freshman year, my mom allowed me to dye my hair, and there was only one color I wanted to dye it....Purple.
That summer, my best friend and I had a fall out, and it was my fault. We didn't talk the whole summer. It wasn't till the end of September when we started talking again. Our friendship was different after that. The next thing my family and I know is that our landlord is raising the rent on us. We lived in that crappy house for about 2 years by that point, and the landlord hasn't done anything to it. The house needed repairs, and it's not our responsibility to fix everything wrong with the house. We shouldn't be held responsible. Also, he still left some of his things at the house. The amount of rent my parents had to pay was equivalent to the amount they can put towards a mortgage. At first I was happy to leave. I felt like I didn't know anyone close enough that would be sad if I left. As the year went by I proved myself wrong. At the same time, I started to feel depressed. Sitting with my friends at the cafeteria in the mornings, and going to anime club on Fridays are the only times I feel comfortable to be myself anywhere. Usually when I get home from school I sat in my room for hours, sometimes going online, sometimes just sleeping. I didn't go to homecoming that year simply because I didn't have a date and my older sister and younger brother did. I felt embarrassed. I was annoyed that everyone asked my if I was going or not, because I knew that if I said yes, they would ask with who. If I said no, they would why, and they would say that you could always go with a group. I didn't feel like making my mom go through the trouble of buying me, my brother, and his date a ticket just for me to go with a group of friends I'm not close with. So I didn't go.
I hated having this anxious feeling of when are we gonna move. At first my parents said ASAP, then they said winter break, then spring break, we finally didn't move till the first or second week of August. Everyone at that school were getting on my nerves. It literally felt like they were eating me alive. One day towards the end of the school year there was the doughnut truck that comes buy out school I think twice a year, anyway, my older sister was out by that truck. My brother and I didn't know that, I kept trying to call her and text her, but she just wasn't picking up. I just wanted to go home as soon as I can, and my brother repeatedly keeps asking me where is our sister. I finally snap. I yell and throw my phone across the hallway. The phone cracks, the case comes off, and the battery falls out. The only thing I can think of at this point was "What have I done?" and "I can't tell Papi what just happened". Lo and behold my older sister comes by us, and we head home.
I've never seen the house till the day of the move. I've never seen Belvidere before. When I said that going from Chicago to Park Ridge was a culture shock, I was wrong. That was a SOCIAL shock. THIS was a CULTURE SHOCK I couldn't feel sad I had the whole school year to feel sad about leaving. I wanted to move on.
I remember the first day of school I thought to myself "Wow it's the first day at a new school, how does one make a first impression?" I then put on my Fall Out Boy shirt. I met my first two friends in mixed chorus 3rd hour. How? Because one said they liked my band tee. I met my third friend at lunch a couple hours later. Meeting new friends was surprisingly easy. I found out that my brother started going out with a girl at homecoming. I don't know why that surprised me as much as it did... I'm not gonna lie, I was jealous that he was able to date before me. We have this rule where we don't date till we're 18, cause our parents want us focusing on school. The fact that they didn't really care annoyed me. I tried to tell myself other excuses for why I didn't approve of her, but deep down I knew it was jealousy. I was happier than I was last year, but then I just started to become angry. My brother's girlfriend, my brother, and I are all in the same mixed chorus class. In this chorus room there are the practice rooms connected to them. At one point there was couch there from a play or something, and so my brother and his girlfriend go in there. The teacher wasn't there so it was like a study-hall period. My brother and his girlfriend went into the practice room. A lot of people saw them walk in the practice room together. Then, the classmates tell me to do something about it. I don't give a damn where they are. If they want to get in trouble, fine, let them. I made the mistake of getting up and out of my seat to tell them to get out. Naturally he told me no. There were a lot of "get outs", "nos" , "whys", "we're just doing schoolwork", "I don't cares", etc.. We were screaming at each other, and I just wanted him to listen to me for once. I hate how he has this I-can-do-whatever-I-want attitude mixed with I'm-mature-cause-I-have-a-girlfriend. The only thing that pisses me off more than my brother's attitude was this damn PARCC testing. It was a complete waste of time. Teachers could have prepared us for a test that was actually gonna matter in college, like the ACTs...oh wait Illinois's doing away with that to make everyone do the SATs.
It was weird hear the our school's prom was in April. It was towards the end of April, but we didn't get out of school til the second or third week of May, so we still had some time left.
What's wrong with me?
It's almost been 24hrs since I woke up.
I am going to be a senior this year.
I am going to be 18 in a couple of months.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready to retire being the dancing queen.
I'm not ready to stop acting like a child.
How am I supposed to go off and be excited about going out to see what the world is like when my parents are sheltering me by telling me and scaring me about all the evil in this world?